Why Rum Ham?
The origins of the mythical and mystical rum ham are shrouded in the mists of time. Some say that the prototype for the rum ham was first made accidentally in ancient Assyria when a farmer's wife was preparing a ham to be roasted for dinner and her husband gave her a big hug. Fortunately for all humanity, that caused the ham to slip out of her arms and fall into a bucket of delicious rum that was fortuitously, and definitely in no way deus ex machina-ly, at her feet. The farmer's wife shook it off, roasted it, and to her and her husband's delight, the rum ham was the best thing they'd ever eaten.
However, others say it was invented by personages as varied as a concubine to the Emperor of the Qin Dynasty in China, Leonardo DaVinci, a cook on Magellan's global circumnavigation trip, Ghengis Khan himself, and of course there are the renegade monks in Nizka, Slovenia who believe that Joan of Arc was actually killed because Pope Callixtus III believed that nobody could make such a delicious food as the rum ham without communing with demons and dark spirits.
And yet, what is perhaps the most amazing thing about the rum ham is that it largely flew under humanity's radar, ignored by all but the world's most elite and enjoyed only in secret lest the masses grow disgruntled and break out the guillotines once again. If it was indeed first created by Assyrian peasants, we can only shudder to think at their fate when the Assyrian king discovered they had not shared with him. It's well-known among archaeologists and historians that the rulers of ancient Assyria were positively mad for pork and rum both, as well as tortures so terrible as to cause the soul to quail in despair.
However, others say it was invented by personages as varied as a concubine to the Emperor of the Qin Dynasty in China, Leonardo DaVinci, a cook on Magellan's global circumnavigation trip, Ghengis Khan himself, and of course there are the renegade monks in Nizka, Slovenia who believe that Joan of Arc was actually killed because Pope Callixtus III believed that nobody could make such a delicious food as the rum ham without communing with demons and dark spirits.
And yet, what is perhaps the most amazing thing about the rum ham is that it largely flew under humanity's radar, ignored by all but the world's most elite and enjoyed only in secret lest the masses grow disgruntled and break out the guillotines once again. If it was indeed first created by Assyrian peasants, we can only shudder to think at their fate when the Assyrian king discovered they had not shared with him. It's well-known among archaeologists and historians that the rulers of ancient Assyria were positively mad for pork and rum both, as well as tortures so terrible as to cause the soul to quail in despair.
For hundreds or thousands of years, the secret of the rum ham was jealously guarded by the masters of the Earth. And then, like Prometheus himself taking fire from the gods and gifting it to humanity, we come to that fateful day on the shore of the New Jersey coast, whence a visionary polymath, gentleman, and one hell of a snappy dresser named Frank Reynolds broke this potentially millenia-long conspiracy and the hallowed rum ham entered the culinary lexicon of we humble, every day men and women. No longer would it be confined only to the Popes, Kings, and Larrys of the world. No more must the great unwashed, dusty masses deny themselves the pleasure of the rum ham. In the words of Mel Gibson's William Wallace, "FREEEEDDOOOOMMM!
And so, in Friendgasm, we honor the rum ham and our countless generations of ancestors who had to go without it. We honor it and them by never serving it, and by only speaking of it in hushed, reverential tones. Few around us would even suspect of our devotion to this succulent treat, this piece of the human race's comestible history, and yet none that walk the face of this planet devote themselves more to the glorification, sanctification, and one day, we hope, deification of the most sublime, most illustrious grub we as a race have ever produced. |